Many Chicago folks heard this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.



The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is

called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are

married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers

"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal

questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their

partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers

those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.



One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big

Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest

thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:



DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate

Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."



DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,

Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."



DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."



DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."



DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."



DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."



DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."



DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."



DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."



DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."



DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."



DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said

that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."



DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this

morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."



DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us

for

a couple of weeks..."



DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."



DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."



DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this

wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.



DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"

touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinko's."



DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."



DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now

and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"



DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the

rules of

'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."



DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be

completely honest."



DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If

your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off

to

Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to

the

Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."



DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."



DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."



DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."



DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect

his

manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away



from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."



DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."



DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."



DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Right up the ass....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station

break

Things you won't hear a surfer say........



Duct tape won't fix that.



My truck won't go down that arroyo.



Let's go shopping, surfing can wait.



Know where I can get tickets to the opera?



Hey! Lets take our wives surfing with us!



I feel pretty guilty not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out

here to surf!



Sorry Guys, I can't go surfing with you, I'll miss my Soap Opera!



Who borrowed my John Tesh tape?



Aww man, I broke a nail.



C'mon, man - we can surf anytime! Figure skating's on!!

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.



They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.



They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.



Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.



The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.



After an intense night of passion with his sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,



"Well, how was it?"



The guy says ............

















"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Inland Revenue sent their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing

all the usual checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says "I notice that

you buy a lot of candles."



"Yes" answered the Rabbi. "Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?"

The auditor asked.



"A good question" noted the Rabbi "We actually save them up, and when we

have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. Every now and again, the



candle maker sends us a free box of candles."



"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question

actually had a practical answer. He decided to try again ... "Well what

about all these Matzo purchases? You must gather lots of crumbs from all

that bread, so what do you do with it?"



"Ah yes" replied the Rabbi, unperturbed, "we actually collect up all the

crumbs from the matzo. Once we have enough, we send them in a box to the

manufacturer, and every once in a while, they send us a box of matzo balls."





"Oh" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well tell me this, then, Rabbi" he continued "what do you do with all the

foreskins from the circumcisions?"



"Yes, here too we do not waste" replied the Rabbi. "What we do is save up

all the foreskins, and when we have enough we parcel them up and actually

send them to the Inland Revenue."



"What?!! Inland Revenue?!?" Questioned the auditor in disbelief.



"Yes" replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue... and in return, about once a

year, they send us a little prick like you."

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS:



Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all

dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate

me."

...........................................................



New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming

season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

...............................................................

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own

mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,

I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

...............................................................

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John

Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

................................................................

Football commentator and former p_layer_ Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in

football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman

Einstein."

................................................................

Senior basketball p_layer_ at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to

graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

...............................................................

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up

alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,

then line up in a circle."

................................................................

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter

Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to

prison for three years, not Princeton."

................................................................

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a

color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to

spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

................................................................

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of

heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the

morning regardless of what time it is."

................................................................

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball p_layer_, explaining to

Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's

expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an

aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

...............................................................

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former p_layer_: "I told him,

'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach,

I don't know and I don't care.'"

................................................................

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told

a p_layer_ who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're

spending too much time on one subject."

................................................................

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob

Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:

"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin')

................................................................

Reminds me of the classic of when one day Peter Willey and Michael Holding were playing in a county cricket game and the commentator helpfully informed the listening public:



"The bowler's Holding, the batman's Willey"